I mean, certain times you shouldn't need God's help, right? (Yeah, right.) One of those examples is caring for my second daughter. My daughter Lana was a dream baby. Great sleeper, took a bottle, loved her car seat. A dream! Then, she turned one...
Since then, it's been one waiting game after another for her to reach a milestone. At first, we were concerned. She had early intervention services 5 hours a week for 2 years. During that time, we discovered that once she was comfortable trying a task, she would learn it quickly and retain it. Her motivation was not the expectation or praise of others...it was her own will. She didn't start walking until 21 months...but the day she did, she was running. She didn't talk for many more after that...now, she not only talks A LOT, but sings in pitch. You would think that I would be smart enough to realize that God has this covered and that my prayers are way more powerful than my "energy." It's taken me awhile to figure that out...apparently I take after my daughter.
In this specific instance, Lana was struggling with potty training. Well, it was more like I was struggling...she was perfectly content to take her time and use pull-ups for forever. I was certain that she'd be wearing them to prom, her wedding, and eventually to the eternal banquet in Heaven.
I had a lot of friends praying for us. I had a lot of advise from trusted professionals. I had a great facade of patience. Despite all of that, I was anxious and tired...and burdened.
One day, we finally ran out of pull-ups. I wrote this to some friends:
On Jan 24, 2011, at 5:36 PM, Renee Gerstmayr wrote:
Okay. We have just used the last pull-up. Each time we used one up, we'd talk about what happens when she runs out. Time to go like a big girl on the potty. Now all we can do is pray. So... PLEASE DO THAT FOR LANA AND THE REST OF US OVER HERE! That Lana will pee in the potty tonight or tomorrow and this battle will be over. That she won't be scared or throw a fit. That she'll be proud of herself. Love all you ladies! Thanks for lifting us up! Renee
Then...the next day, I wrote this:
On Jan 25, 2011, at 10:53 PM, Renee Gerstmayr wrote:
Hi friends! One day down and your prayers were felt! I wrote you last night at 5:30 when Lana used her last pull up. Fast forward 13 hours to 7:30 this morning. She came downstairs looking for a pull up and I showed her that we were out. She said she didn't need to go. Fast forward another 4 hours. At 11:30, she said she needed to go. I promised her I would be with her and that she needed to try the potty. Again she resisted, this time with anger and stomping and held it. Fast forward another 2 hours. At that point it had been 20 hours since she last went to the bathroom. We were in the bathroom for nearly an hour. She was crying and holding herself in obvious pain. I was counting to a certain number while she sat on the little potty. Other times, I held her on the potty so she wouldn't jump up and stop it from coming. Finally, she sat on her potty seat on the big potty with her arms around me and her head against my chest. After a couple minutes, some pee-pee came out and she jumped in surprise. I smiled and clapped and hugged her again and she let the rest out. She was very proud of herself. She saw how it hurt more to hold it than to let it go. She was so excited she ran upstairs bare bottom to tell her big sis. (21 hours later!) I asked if she wanted m and ms or Ice cream. All she wanted was to tell her mamma in person. So, that's what we did! At 3:00, we drove an hour up to my moms just so she could tell her mamma, in person, that she did it! And mamma rewarded her with a trip to toys r us... Imagine that. When we got home we did dinner and baths. At one point during her bath she felt like she needed to go, so we got her out and sat her on the potty. No crying...but she didn't go either. She said she didn't need to. So, continue to pray that Lana's one time success would allow her to feel comfortable doing this regularly. Also pray that when number 2 is involved, it would go easily. Finally, that she'll be more independent and flexible allowing her to use different potties in different places. Thanks for listening to the saga of "as the toilet paper roll turns" Love you all!!! Renee
Re-reading these messages allows me to see my anxiety and, even though I asked people to pray, it is pretty obvious I wasn't counting on any miracles. Thank God for my friends with a stronger faith than me. It also shows Lana's need to control the situation. I'm hoping that strong will is used for good (and not evil).
A week went by and it was time for #2... my friends faithfully and patiently listened:
A week went by and it was time for #2... my friends faithfully and patiently listened:
On February 09, 2011, at 7:24 AM, Renee Gerstmayr wrote:
Hi friends! For those of you that were with me yesterday, you noticed that Lana's clingy behavior was really getting to me. I was not evaluating WHY but just THAT she was being that way. Well, hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? Last evening when I was making dinner, Lana said, "I have to go poo poo." I told her I'd be right there. She said she wanted to go alone. So, a couple of minutes later, she yelled my name and I thought it was cause she needed help. I go upstairs and she said, "Mommy look!!!!". There was poo poo in the potty! She was so proud
and said that she did it all by herself. I picked her up and swung her around in circles and told her how proud I was. We had to make 4 phone calls then... To daddy, mamma, ms Kelly, and oma. She made me include it in the prayer at dinner time! Oh boy! So, Maybe the clinging was her dealing with the anxiety of giving this next part over. So- thanks for your prayers! I know there will be plenty more times I'll come to you with prayers for her but for now I'll relish in this moment of accomplishment and God's blessing! Renee
Hi friends! For those of you that were with me yesterday, you noticed that Lana's clingy behavior was really getting to me. I was not evaluating WHY but just THAT she was being that way. Well, hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? Last evening when I was making dinner, Lana said, "I have to go poo poo." I told her I'd be right there. She said she wanted to go alone. So, a couple of minutes later, she yelled my name and I thought it was cause she needed help. I go upstairs and she said, "Mommy look!!!!". There was poo poo in the potty! She was so proud
and said that she did it all by herself. I picked her up and swung her around in circles and told her how proud I was. We had to make 4 phone calls then... To daddy, mamma, ms Kelly, and oma. She made me include it in the prayer at dinner time! Oh boy! So, Maybe the clinging was her dealing with the anxiety of giving this next part over. So- thanks for your prayers! I know there will be plenty more times I'll come to you with prayers for her but for now I'll relish in this moment of accomplishment and God's blessing! Renee
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Ok...you have my attention.
29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30.
I ran to my Bible to look it up. I read the text over and over again and I sat in silence (which is VERY unusual for me.) A verse that is referred to, posted on benches, recited by numerous people I know...and I never got it. I GOT IT NOW! God got my attention (finally) and gave me clarity and wisdom.
Yoke...? A Yoke is a wooden harness that allows oxen to carry a load...usually in pairs.
"Oh Lord, how could I have been so stubborn? How could I have passed over that verse so many times and not understood what you tell us?"
"My daughter...do you not love Lana with all your heart? Does she not frustrate you and still you would give your life for her? Does her strong will not cause her troubles and you still help her? YOU are my daughter...you do all those things, but I love YOU more than you know. I DID lay my life down for you. I am the other oxen. I can carry the heavy load of your burdens. You can always feel this light."
*speechless... with feelings of gratitude/repentance/hope/relief.
I guess Lana's strong will IS already being used for good.
So, the happy ending would be that I've learned my lesson and coast through life. But, we all know the whole humanity/sinner/strong-will thing...and I know He'll be re-teaching me this lesson (with grace) for years to come. But...one thing is for certain. I will remember what a yoke is and have that picture of bondage in my mind. I will carry burdens but I will not do it alone. The question is how much of it will I allow my Lord to carry instead of dragging it on my shoulders and in my path on my own.
