An Ever Upward Journey...

I dream a lot about what life will be like for our daughter when they’re grown. I think abut things both in and out of their control. Sometimes I even succumb to worry…I guess what parent doesn’t? Then there will be a point when their generation will be the ones running things – businesses, families, schools, government, etc. etc. These thoughts not only cross most parents’ minds, but most adult’s minds for that matter.


I am very privileged to be married to a high school band teacher. It allows me to stay connected with the up and coming generation. An additional perk is the opportunity to chaperone trips as far away as Europe and as close as Indiana.



The past six days I’ve spent with 125 students and 9 chaperones in The Big Apple – NYC – The City that Never Sleeps (or barely does…) I feel a responsibility to both these kids and adults that don’t have the opportunity to spend time with younger generations to “spread the word.”



I have some news that might be shocking to you. After every trip with Maine West High School music students, I come back more confident, hopeful, and enthusiastic about what the future holds. During these trips, I witness the student’s social and problem solving skills, their humor and intelligence. They are cautious and curious. They look out for one another and respect authority. They’re aware, sensitive, and inspired by arts and beauty. They question the impact of environmental, social, and personal actions and do their “small part” to be a positive contribution.



I also know many of the parents and teachers and am encouraged by the values, responsibility, and respect they’ve instilled in these young adults. Throughout the past, we’ve kept in touch with many past students and they are now adults actively contributing to our communities and thoughtfully reminiscing about their times on these trips.



We are all a reflection of what has gone before us. These students are a direct reflection of us. An “upgrade” so to speak – Generation 2.0. Witnessing students like these is not new for me. After doing this the past twelve years as I support my husband’s passion for music and youth. I’ve always been hopeful, but with each passing year I become more confident in these kids. My hope for them is that they keep their vigor and enthusiasm as they grow up and begin making choices for themselves and others. And…very importantly…that they never stop having fun!



New York’s Motto is the Latin word Excelsior which translates to “Ever Upward” currently referring to physical, spiritual, mental, and social progress. That’s what I see these 125 kids doing…progressing upward with the limitless opportunities ahead of them through the amazing potential they possess…and if they’re a reflection of other youth I am encouraged. I’m going to sit back and enjoy this ride. It’ll be a trip!

On a "Die-It"

I've gone on a "die-it."  Not to be confused with a diet...but I've done plenty of those as well.  This was different.  I had to let it die...my expectations.  I had to stop working from my own strength.  I knew this in my head but I haven't always practiced it fully.

I mean, certain times you shouldn't need God's help, right?  (Yeah, right.)  One of those examples is caring for my second daughter.  My daughter Lana was a dream baby.  Great sleeper, took a bottle, loved her car seat.  A dream!  Then, she turned one...

Since then, it's been one waiting game after another for her to reach a milestone.  At first, we were concerned.  She had early intervention services 5 hours a week for 2 years.  During that time, we discovered that once she was comfortable trying a task, she would learn it quickly and retain it.  Her motivation was not the expectation or praise of others...it was her own will.  She didn't start walking until 21 months...but the day she did, she was running.  She didn't talk for many more after that...now, she not only talks A LOT, but sings in pitch.  You would think that I would be smart enough to realize that God has this covered and that my prayers are way more powerful than my "energy."  It's taken me awhile to figure that out...apparently I take after my daughter.

In this specific instance, Lana was struggling with potty training.  Well, it was more like I was struggling...she was perfectly content to take her time and use pull-ups for forever.  I was certain that she'd be wearing them to prom, her wedding, and eventually to the eternal banquet in Heaven.

I had a lot of friends praying for us.  I had a lot of advise from trusted professionals.  I had a great facade of patience.  Despite all of that, I was anxious and tired...and burdened. 

One day, we finally ran out of pull-ups.  I wrote this to some friends:

On Jan 24, 2011, at 5:36 PM, Renee Gerstmayr wrote:

Okay.  We have just used the last pull-up.  Each time we used one up, we'd talk about what happens when she runs out.  Time to go like a big girl on the potty.  Now all we can do is pray. So... PLEASE DO THAT FOR LANA AND THE REST OF US OVER HERE! That Lana will pee in the potty tonight or tomorrow and this battle will be over.  That she won't be scared or throw a fit.  That she'll be proud of herself.  Love all you ladies!  Thanks for lifting us up!  Renee

Then...the next day, I wrote this:

On Jan 25, 2011, at 10:53 PM, Renee Gerstmayr wrote:  

Hi friends!  One day down and your prayers were felt!  I wrote you last night at 5:30 when Lana used her last pull up.  Fast forward 13 hours to 7:30 this morning. She came downstairs looking for a pull up and I showed her that we were out.  She said she didn't need to go.  Fast forward another 4 hours. At 11:30, she said she needed to go.  I promised her I would be with her and that she needed to try the potty.  Again she resisted, this time with anger and stomping and held it.  Fast forward another 2 hours.  At that point it had been 20 hours since she last went to the bathroom.  We were in the bathroom for nearly an hour.  She was crying and holding herself in obvious pain. I was counting to a certain number while she sat on the little potty.  Other times, I held her on the potty so she wouldn't jump up and stop it from coming.   Finally, she sat on her potty seat on the big potty with her arms around me and her head against my chest. After a couple minutes, some pee-pee came out and she jumped in surprise.  I smiled and clapped and hugged her again and she let the rest out.  She was very proud of herself.  She saw how it hurt more to hold it than to let it go.  She was so excited she ran upstairs bare bottom to tell her big sis. (21 hours later!)  I asked if she wanted m and ms or Ice cream.  All she wanted was to tell her mamma in person. So, that's what we did! At 3:00, we drove an hour up to my moms just so she could tell her mamma, in person, that she did it!  And mamma rewarded her with a trip to toys r us... Imagine that.  When we got home we did dinner and baths. At one point during her bath she felt like she needed to go, so we got her out and sat her on the potty. No crying...but she didn't go either.  She said she didn't need to.  So, continue to pray that Lana's one time success would allow her to feel comfortable doing this regularly.  Also pray that when number 2 is involved, it would go easily.  Finally, that she'll be more independent and flexible allowing her to use different potties in different places.  Thanks for listening to the saga of "as the toilet paper roll turns"  Love you all!!! Renee

Re-reading these messages allows me to see my anxiety and, even though I asked people to pray, it is pretty obvious I wasn't counting on any miracles.  Thank God for my friends with a stronger faith than me.  It also shows Lana's need to control the situation.  I'm hoping that strong will is used for good (and not evil). 
 
A week went by and it was time for #2...  my friends faithfully and patiently listened:

On February 09, 2011, at 7:24 AM, Renee Gerstmayr wrote:  
Hi friends!  For those of you that were with me yesterday, you noticed that Lana's clingy behavior was really getting to me. I was not evaluating WHY but just THAT she was being that way.  Well, hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?  Last evening when I was making dinner, Lana said, "I have to go poo poo." I told her I'd be right there. She said she wanted to go alone.  So, a couple of minutes later, she yelled my name and I thought it was cause she needed help.  I go upstairs and she said, "Mommy look!!!!". There was poo poo in the potty!   She was so proud
and said that she did it all by herself.  I picked her up and swung her around in circles and told her how proud I was.  We had to make 4 phone calls then... To daddy, mamma, ms Kelly, and oma.  She made me include it in the prayer at dinner time!  Oh boy!  So, Maybe the clinging was her dealing with the anxiety of giving this next part over.  So-  thanks for your prayers!  I know there will be plenty more times I'll come to you with prayers for her but for now I'll relish in this moment of accomplishment and God's blessing!  Renee

From that day on, Lana's been using the potty.  And a few days later, definitely less than a week, it felt like it had been a lifetime ago where that was a worry.  The burden was completely lifted.  And, I heard God's strong, still voice talk to his strong-willed child (me).

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

<sup>Ok...you have my attention.

29</sup> Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.            Matthew 11:29-30.

I ran to my Bible to look it up.  I read the text over and over again and I sat in silence (which is VERY unusual for me.)  A verse that is referred to, posted on benches, recited by numerous people I know...and I never got it.  I GOT IT NOW!  God got my attention (finally) and gave me clarity and wisdom.  

Yoke...?  A Yoke is a wooden harness that allows oxen to carry a load...usually in pairs.  

"Oh Lord, how could I have been so stubborn?  How could I have passed over that verse so many times and not understood what you tell us?"  

"My daughter...do you not love Lana with all your heart?  Does she not frustrate you and still you would give your life for her?  Does her strong will not cause her troubles and you still help her?  YOU are my daughter...you do all those things, but I love YOU more than you know.  I DID lay my life down for you.  I am the other oxen.  I can carry the heavy load of your burdens.  You can always feel this light."

*speechless... with feelings of gratitude/repentance/hope/relief. 

I guess Lana's strong will IS already being used for good.

So, the happy ending would be that I've learned my lesson and coast through life.  But, we all know the whole humanity/sinner/strong-will thing...and I know He'll be re-teaching me this lesson (with grace) for years to come.  But...one thing is for certain.  I will remember what a yoke is and have that picture of bondage in my mind.  I will carry burdens but I will not do it alone.  The question is how much of it will I allow my Lord to carry instead of dragging it on my shoulders and in my path on my own.

 

The Life of a Lonely Blog

It had been nearly a year since I updated my blog.  There were a few posts in between as I switched over to a new site that allowed me to share quotes, music, or shorter posts, but it didn’t take off.

It wasn’t the blog’s fault…it was the writer’s.

I enjoy writing my thoughts.  When what I am expressing seems too personal, I try to write in my journal.  But, in both cases this past year something got in the way.  Call it the performer in me.  Call it perfectionism.  At any rate, writing started to be a burden.  I started to think that I “better sound smart” or “share something worthwhile.”  That I (and others) will “read this in the future.”  And I allowed a wall to be built cutting off my expression and choking off the influence it has in the process of growth.

Then it was suggested to me to do a sort of abstract journal.  A sketchbook with no rules.  Clip out pictures.  Write words down.  Collect items and glue them on the pages.  It took off!

Only a week later I have not only began an exciting, new expression…I have broken through the wall of perfectionism and sparked the desire and ability to share my thoughts in the written form again.  (re:  2 blog posts in 2 days)

So, this is my promise to myself…I will make spelling errors.  I will misuse punctuation.  I will try to explain something and not always do it clearly.  I will post and not worry who or how many people read it.  I will use this blog, my personal journal, and my sketchbook to connect with my creator.  And, he sees past all my mistakes and worries.  Not because they are okay…but because He has redeemed me and through grace I am saved.

Loneliness has no place in 2011.  And I hope I’ll have a full blog, journal, and sketchbook at the end of the year to prove it!